So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
