dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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