I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize