Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
