Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
