Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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