peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Sober January is a disaster.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
