Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
