I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
