I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
