how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
nutella sex= disaster
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
