there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize