i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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