I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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