Don't make out with my wife yet
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm at about main and main street
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
