I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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