how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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