i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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