you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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