don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just had sex on a roof
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
