when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We have started to decorate penises.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize