I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
