I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
