I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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