Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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