i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
