My sheets look like a crime scene.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
