If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize