I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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