I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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