Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
