If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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