She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize