I got chris browned last night
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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