No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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