Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
