When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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