Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
