naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
