I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
