you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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