Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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