1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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