If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He shit in the fireplace
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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