I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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