dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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