I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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