Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
