Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
