I just threw up on my dentist
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize