I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There r osticjed everywhere
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize