you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Your penis caused this!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
