So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
