You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
