Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
