I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
