True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
