From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
