I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
