im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
