We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
