Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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