Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
