you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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