I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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